Rashi defines love as “Wanting to know someone, to bring him closer and understand him” (Beresheet 18:19). When people say, “I love you,” we may wonder, “Is their love really real? If so, why don’t I feel it?” The word “love” is often used glibly, without genuine feeling. Love isn’t found in words but in actions. Many people have no idea what love actually feels like, especially if they suffered abuse or neglect in childhood. They may associate “love” with being willing to tolerate abuse or something they must “win” by satisfying people’s demands or living up to their expectations. If we never experienced true, unconditional love, we will have difficulty correctly assessing whether the people whose love we seek actually have the capacity to give it! We will waste time and money trying to get people to love us when they have no interest or ability to do so. We will not recognize NNPs, non-nurturing people, who have no interest in a meaningful connection or over-controlling bullies, both of whom harm our physical and mental health. And we will trust therapists and rabbinical advisers who, almost universally, do their best to convince naïve and gullible abuse victims that “Your parent/sibling/child/spouse certainly does love you, and it’s your fault if you don’t feel their love.”
Understanding who can and can’t love helps us protect our sense of self-worth around people who don’t value us. This information is not meant to cause rage, bitterness or despair but to help us gain clarity and help us face the grief of loveless relationships with radical acceptance. Real love makes us feel safe, inspired, and valued. Real love manifests in 10 ways:
Respect
Respect is the foundation of all healthy relationships. People who say, “I love you, so it’s okay to hurt your feelings” don’t respect us! People who respect us never use soul-crushing epithets like “selfish,” “stupid,” “lazy,” “crazy,” “failure,” “or evil.” Those who don’t care will dismiss our opinions and scorn our feelings. People don’t have to agree with everything we say, but we deserve to have our opinions valued and our boundaries respected. Setting boundaries is how we protect our sense of self-worth and autonomy. Boundaries convey what we like and dislike and what we are willing or unwilling to tolerate. People who don’t respect us will demand that we spend our time and energy doing what they want, regardless of our talents or interests. They may insist that we host guests with whom we have no affinity or learn a profession that pleases them, not us. They insist that we submit to them out of F.O.G.S. – fear, obligation, guilt, and shame. People who prioritize their desires over our self-fulfillment are saying, “I don’t respect your right to do what brings you joy or to become an autonomous, self-differentiated individual.”
Curiosity
People who say, “I love you, but I have no interest in getting to know you in depth” don’t really care. People express love by showing curiosity about our needs, interests, thoughts, feelings, and dreams – all the things that make us human. If we are irritated about something they do, which happens in all relationships, they ask, “Help me understand why this bothers you, and I’ll try not to do it again.” If they don’t really care, they ignore us or accuse, “You’re making a big deal about nothing” or “You’re too sensitive.” Such words make us feel that our feelings don’t matter, which means we are not important to them. If people fail to show interest about a subject that excites us, we will begin to doubt our choices and question whether our emotions are even valid. Such relationships will be shallow and unfulfilling, if not downright destructive. It is a known truism that “The one who wants the relationship least is the one who controls it.” If there’s no interest, we must face the truth: They may be NNPs – non-nurturing people.
Presence
People who say, “I love you, but I have no time for you” are saying that they don’t really care. Love requires time. When love is present, a person’s presence is pleasurable, like a present! Someone’s desire to spend time with us conveys “You’re important to me. I care about you.” This doesn’t require grand gestures, such as expensive gifts or lavish birthday parties. Those who care find it pleasurable to simply make a meal or take a walk together. If their “love” is fake, they will be irritated by our presence and make us feel like burdensome pests. NNPs always have something more important to do when we need them. On the other hand, those who love us do not impose their presence on us. They respect our need for space and do not nag or monitor us in an attempt to control how we spend our time. Secure relationships are created when we share our joys and sorrows, knowing others will care about whatever we care about.
Appreciation
Those who say, “I love you, but I don’t give compliments” don’t really care. Those who love us will always find something to appreciate about us. They express gratitude for our endless efforts to be responsible, reliable, self-disciplined, kind, and considerate. They appreciate the chores we do, the meals we make, that we were quiet while they slept, made time to listen to them, cleaned up after them without complaint, hosted their guests when it wasn’t convenient, or arrived on time for an appointment. Non-nurturing types don’t care or even notice our efforts. Yet they don’t hesitate to complain and criticize us for what we didn’t get right, didn’t accomplish, or failed to do for them. They freely express their displeasure and disappointment, leaving us feeling that no matter how hard we tried, it was “never good enough.”
Admiration
Those who say, “I love you, but you’re such a disappointment to me” don’t really care. People who love us find reasons to admire us for whatever God-given talents we have. In Hebrew, marriage is nisuin, which means “to uplift.” Nurturing people encourage us to accomplish our goals and face our challenges with courage and faith. Non-nurturing types will crush our spirits and criticize our efforts, making us feel “never good enough.” Instead of admiring our good qualities, they harp on our weaknesses and demand improvement in areas in which we have no interest or talent. They show displeasure and anger, which keeps us anxious, causing us to question our worth and feel ashamed of our inability to please them, no matter how hard we try. We may delude ourselves into thinking we have the power to win their [nonexistent] love, but they’ll always complain that we are “not enough” – not attractive, organized, smart, exciting, successful, rich or ___ enough. Their criticism causes us to doubt our decisions and lose all sense of self-worth, which is their ultimate goal. Those who care will admire us and will help us improve by cheering our victories.
Encouragement
Those who say, “I love you, but don’t bother me when you’re down” don’t really care. Everyone needs encouragement, especially in difficult times, such as when we get sick, suffer a failure, a loss or a rejection, or just feel discouraged. People who truly care will uplift our spirits when we’re down and believe in us when we doubt ourselves. They tell us, “I know you can do it! You’ve got my support!” Their encouragement helps us get back up and face our losses with courage and faith. Lack of support leaves a huge void in us. NNPs, non-nurturing people, make us feel unloved, insignificant, and alone. They might disguise their lack of care with busyness or other excuses, leaving us to feel that we don’t really matter.
Mutuality
Those who say, “I love you, and that means I can dominate you and make all the decisions” don’t really care. True connection requires an equal exchange of care. Rav Eliyahu Dessler wisely wrote, “When demands begin, love ends” (Strive for Truth, Vol. 1). Those who love us won’t try to control us. Self-centered people are fixated on their own desires and interests. They are consumers, consuming our time, attention, and energy but get annoyed if we need them. With NNPs, we feel like objects who are valued only when we are useful. Like cups full of holes, NNPs are never satisfied and always blame us for not doing more to make them happy. In healthy relationships, both sides feel safe to share their victories and their challenges without fear of being rejected. In unhealthy relationships, there is an imbalance, as one side seeks to dominate using tactics like H.I.D.E – humiliation, intimidation, deceit, and exploitation. Such people will hide the truth by acting nice only when it’s convenient and self-serving. Care must flow in both directions, with two people who cherish and value each other. If we’re carrying the whole burden and knocking ourselves out to “make it work,” it’s time to face reality: They don’t really care. Our presence is a privilege. It should be valued!
Acceptance
Those who say, “I love you, but I wish you would change” do not really care. We need to be accepted as we are, right now, not as others want us to be. Yes, we all have faults and limitations and should strive for self-improvement. But not everything can be changed. It’s a known paradox that acceptance precedes growth. Those who truly care will help us improve and fulfill our potential. They provide constructive feedback with sensitivity and only for traits we can change, which is only about 20-30% of what makes up our personality. Just as words can uplift and inspire, words can also diminish and destroy. Those who don’t care will criticize us harshly, often for standards we cannot reach. They may assert dominance disguised as “love,” but we won’t feel loved. Whether criticism is subtle, like scornful eye rolling, or outright neglect or crushing name-calling, the negativity is like poison gas that can cause us to lose our sense of self-worth and self-confidence, if not our very will to live.
Trust
Those who say, “I love you, but don’t rely on me” don’t really care. Trust is the foundation on which all healthy relationships are built. A trustworthy person conveys the silent reassurance “You can count on me. I am committed to you and will protect the sacred bond we share.” Without trust, this bond is eroded by doubt and disappointment. When people lie to us, they are insulting us and breaking the very foundation of the relationship. Even a small lie can cause us to question everything about the person, every word and action. A genuine bond can never be built with those who lack integrity. When someone lies, we not only lose trust in that person but we also doubt our own judgment in having trusted him or her in the first place. Trust is a gift we give. If people don’t value this gift, they don’t care about us. Without trust, we shut down physically and emotionally.
Consistency
People don’t really care if they say, “I love you, but don’t mind if I’m explosive and unreliable at times.” Trust is built over time, through endless big and small acts of consistent consideration, reliability, and responsibility. We feel safe when we can count on others to care, show up on time, and keep their promises. Consistency calms the nervous system. NNPs act nice only when it suits them. If they are unpredictable, often explosive, silently sullen or punitive, it means they do not care enough to practice self-control. It is known that Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach would eat a small piece of cake before coming home in order not to be irritable when he arrived. In healthy relationships, there is consistent support, commitment, and devotion. If we cannot count on people to care consistently, the relationship dies, like a plant that doesn’t receive sufficient water. People who truly care will show that care consistently.
Radical acceptance
At first, it can feel devastating to realize how self-centered and uncaring some people are. Facing the truth takes courage. But the truth sets us free, freeing us to build our own independent sense of self-respect. We cannot demand love from those who simply don’t have it to give. Those who deny reality will waste time on peace treaties and “hope dope” therapies that promise to create love where it does not exist. Uncaring people force us to realize that our self-worth is not determined by others. Their inability to love and respect us has nothing to do with us. It is a reflection of their own limitations. We must learn how to detach, physically and/or emotionally, from people who do not inspire our growth and treat us with kindness and respect. In the presence of NNPs, we must make extra sure that we are nurturing ourselves in a thousand and one ways throughout the day.■
Miriam Adahan has a private practice, mainly devoted to helping S.O.D.A.s – survivors of domestic abuse – recover. She can be reached at [email protected].
