I am a mother of three daughters. My middle daughter, age 3, constantly curses, bites, and hits her sisters. At the beginning of the year, I was told that she also bites children at kindergarten, and sometimes simply loses control and throws objects. In recent months, the teachers have noticed that this has slightly improved, but at home, the situation has not changed at all. It is important for me to note that I do not see any additional difficulties in her behavior – she is a normal child, and everything about her is fine: In her development, her language skills, and the way she plays. In your opinion, what could be causing this? And how can I improve the situation at home?
"According to what you are describing, your daughter sounds like a classic middle child. Apparently, since the birth of her younger sister, something changed in her, and she found a way to get what she needs. I want you to understand how this happens: For instance, when she was a year and a half old, her little sister was born. She wanted to be held by her mother, but it was not possible because the mother's hands were full.
"This little girl wanted her mother to sit with her, but her mother could not because she was busy putting the baby to sleep or helping the older sister. The child becomes angry and reacts accordingly. The biting is something very familiar to us – she gets angry and she bites. She is told not to, she is calmed down, and she stops. The thing is, the next day she also feels anger rising in her and feels that she is not being seen enough, but this time she throws things when she feels she is not getting what she wants or needs.
"After several such instances where she behaves this way and gets full attention, she understands that even if you tell her not to do something, you are giving her what she wants, and she continues doing it. What is ‘not allowed’? It is an abstract concept. She does not understand it. She understands that it is something she needs to do to get the attention she needs.
"This causes her mother to drop everything and come to her, it causes the teacher to call the mother to come and take her home. Children do not learn from words; they learn from actions. In addition, when a parent curses, they should not expect their child not to curse as well. This child is showing you control, and it brings her many benefits. She gets attention, connection, interaction – what she lost since her younger sister was born. In order to address this, you need to find one behavior you want to eliminate and start working on it immediately.
"For example, if you see that she curses her sister, and you want to start with that, tell her that you always used to talk to her about it, but you have decided that you do not want to anymore. Therefore, the next time she curses, you will simply walk away, and her sisters will walk away too. She will test whether your words and actions match, and she will curse right away, and you will need to react exactly as you said you would. Just turn around as if you did not hear her. What are you creating here? A situation where her words no longer bring her the results they used to. As they say, ‘no audience, no show.’ Eventually, she will stop.
"You can tell her, ‘We know that when you get angry, you throw things, and it scares us. It could hurt me or you.’ Do not tell her that it could hurt one of her sisters, because she is jealous of them. Tell her that you do not want to be angry at her. Therefore, if she throws things again, you will simply pick them up. It is important for me to emphasize that this is a process that takes time and a lot of work, but after three or four days like this, she will stop throwing things, because there will be no point. There will be no reason to throw. Do this wisely and thoughtfully, and again – not everything at once, because for the child, this would seem like harsher conditions. She curses, bites, throws things – but receives a lot of attention from her parents.
"At the same time, occasionally lift her up emotionally and know how to give her a kind word when she is not expecting it, for something good. Commit to yourself to come three times a day and tell her something nice that will make her happy. For example, if she saw you when you picked her up from kindergarten and smiled at you, tell her how happy you were to see her smiling. The child initiates, and you respond with a compliment. You need to show the child that you see her even without her having to do anything. The bottom line is, I suggest you understand the logic: She is not a bad child; she simply wants to get attention."
Edited by: Eden Ben Ari, 103FM
